By: slackdisast

May 17 2015

Category: Uncategorized

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Who knows the first time they heard of Jamaican patties? I certainly don’t but I remember the first one I ate that was delicious. See it took me until middle school before I developed a taste for the savory snack that has only continued to grow on me ever since. After biting into a spicy beef patty at the ripe age of 12, I fell instantly in love – stirring the creamy meat along the walls of my mouth with my tongue. Shortly after, I began listening to indigenous Jamaican reggae and dancehall music and grew my hair out to look more like Peter tosh. I decided to learn ska piano and saved up my money to buy a moog keyboard from an aging man on Craig’s list. By high school, I was pretty good at it and began playing in a reggae band . Everyday after practice, we would order Jamaican beef patties from Golden Krust and listen to Bob Marley while we chewed and smiled. Over the years, I became enormous. I was eating upward of ten 500-calorie Jamaican patties a day and on the days where I smoked marijuana it often even got up to 15. On top of all this, my doctor told me that I was at a huge risk for skin cancer bc of my semi-religious trips to the tanning booth, from which I was able to transform my own pale skin to a deep brown hue. Some of the black kids in school were friendlier with me so I felt at least that I must be doing something right and I ignored my doctor.

One day, while trying to fit into my bathroom doorway, a fold of my beautiful ebony skin caught on the lock and I popped. Beef cream poured out of this new hole spilling down my leg and onto the floor. When they found me that evening, my rescuers could hardly distinguish between the smell of my insides and the scent of the Golden Krust kitchen located below my apartment – the only difference being that my odor was derived exclusively from beef, whereas Golden Krust had more recently expanded their operations to include spinach and vegetable patties.
At the hospital, they pumped my stomach and gave me a lap band so that in a week my body shrunk to the size of an anorexic teenage girl. In my emaciated state, I was unable to eat any warm foods for fear they would disrupt my digestive process so the nurses brought me what I can now remember was my first plate of yellowtail sushi – which I found to be out of this world delicious. Within 2 weeks, I recovered almost completely and was allowed to leave the hospital. By the time I moved to Japan the following month, I had already dyed my hair a jet black and perfected the truly indescribable art of using chopsticks.

Sent from my iPhone


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